Things to remember:
- it’s okay to say no. Its okay to say “I’m tired,” Or “I just want to go home.” Nobody likes a soft maybe.
-Don’t make excuses. Tell the truth. People respect that.
-Just fucking do what you want to do. And make it a point to do it if it scares you.
-Lets just be honest, we’re all selfish. Do something good to make up for it. Help the guy with a flat tire, hold open doors, make the cashier smile, take a second out of your day to listen, and then reply.

I saw ramshackle glory (to whom I owe my life to) and went to a rave this weekend…SOBER. And I met curb your ego. Dude. The universe is awesome and dancing sober is so much better than drunk or high; like being aware that I’m acting like an idiot and not just being an idiot is amazing.

Todays my sixty days! I love heroin anonymous. THIS is the longest iver been sober in yearssssss

Once people find out, they treat you differently. Regardless if they drink more than I ever have, or even if they have been addicted to something… they will always look down on you. They look at you like you’re about to steal their soul and sell it for dope. They treat you like you sold yours, like you’re a different person. They don’t look for explanations even if you have a good one, it doesnt matter. Everyone has this “pick yourself up by your boot straps” mentality, disregarding that I have been doing just that my whole life, that I just needed something to numb the pain. Nothing else worked. Nobody dreams of being a junkie, no one wants to be looked down upon, to feel excluded, to be alone. Only people who have experienced loss, not just losing your grandma when you were 10 loss, but serious, heart breaking loss and destruction, only those who are succepible to depression and suicide, who have nothing else to lose, they become junkies. Yeah there are other people who never needed a fix but for the most part we all have our vices at some point; alcohol, weed, prescription meds…all of it used to numb the pain of picking yourself up from your bootstraps, over and over again until the laces cut off your circulation.

30 days clean, yet again. Still unsure man.

Heroins such a whore man, she fucks everyone. You think what you had was something special and then she cheats on you and leaves you cold.
― My friend

Really cant look at pictures of golden retriever puppies without tearing up :( I’m pathetic.

Wow really good day. H.a. is amazing Id highly recommend it to anyone struggling. Seriously. Its all young ppl, no judgments from the “I spilt more than you drank” aa old crowd, and sooooo open minded, not much god stuff. So yeah if you have one near you go and if you don’t START one.

Me watching game of thrones: omg omg omg omg omg omg I don’t think I’ll make it to next week omg omg omg

Ugh I wanna go to the march for a fifteen dollar min wage. Someone take me. I’m shy and anxious so I’m not gonna go out of my way to ask someone. This is important! Yeah I hate the idea of money but people are dying out there and need immediate health which is hard to do on 7.50 in new York where everything is ten times more expensive than our neighbors.

When they show what sound waves look like in the new cosmos…I definitely saw those on acid every time a boat revved its engine

Yeah, so i missed my court date and the fucking cops came to my house in a motherfucking MINIVAN so didn’t know it was them so my dad called me downstairs like la de da and yeah, i got arrested and spent the night in jail on a steel bench so i couldn’t even sleep. On top of that i started a new job that i actually really like that day so i was up from 530, I was supposed to go in today but obv i couldn’t so my dad called and told them i passed a kidney stone so now i have to explain THAT to them if they’ll even still take me. the cops arrested me at 5pm when i got home and i didn’t get to see the judge till 1130am the next day so yeah, no sleep. Heres some other fun facts: the toilets just flushed everyone elses shit to the next cell, and we are also all on the toilet on camera, it was purposely cold, the cops were smoking weed (unless a skunk got into the fourth precinct which is highly unlikely) and thus they opened the door, they wouldnt turn off the lights,they blasted the tv so we couldnt sleep or see, they refused to tell any of us the time and i got brusies from that fucking bench. While i was waiting in the court i carved ACAB into the bench and talked to ppl who were there for stupid reasons while the cops treated us like animals, we had to make a scene to get tp for christ sake, and like what would happen if I got my fucking period while i was there, would i go up to the judge all bloody?
Not only that but the cops were expecting me to be fucking high, which honestly i wish i was because at least then i could sleep…they kept saying things like “hows the using going” and “you know about any stealing?” Like dude, I’ve been going to out patient I’ve been out of the game pretty much for 60 days straight, “i could help you out if you give me info.” Yeah, thats a fucking lie. He’s like “so what would you recommend we do to stop the waves of heroin coming from the city ” honestly, theres nothing they can do, most people start because they got into a car accident or for surgery and couldn’t afford the pills anymore. but not only that its always been here, kids are just doing it younger and no matter how much you bust it will still fucking be here, so stop treating us like animals and start treating us like we’re sick cause thats the only thing thats going to help. Like seriously, im a bad person because i have an addiction? Give me a fucking break half the rehab was filled with alcoholic cops. How do they expect us to respect them when they wont even respect us? Theyre the freaking jocks of high school, i swear.
I did relapse thursday when my friend who was going away to a rehab upstate asked me to get it for her because she was buying it and how could i say no. I did half a bag and was higher than ive been for a while, and honestly, i didnt even like it too much. Like i guess it was all the guilt, because i went to outpatient the next day and immediately told my doctor. Now im going to have to go to drug court and op 4x a week so i cant if i wanted to and honestly, im fucking glad. Thank god they didnt test me man. Im so sick of this shit. Yeah.

I’m driving around with my shitty multicolored car that’s inspection is up and i probably have a warrant out for my arrest because I FUCKING MISREAD MY COURTDATE. I was supposed to go today to resolve it but I had my first day of work and couldn’t miss it and now its the fucking weekend. Idk why i have to be there before 1030 like UGH I had work 6-11 today. I’m so fucking nervous, if i get pulled over I’m fucking screwed.. lol my lifeeeeeeeeeeeee

Will someone please just call me and take me on a real date where I can play footsie and move up your legs under the table to make old people uncomfortable. We can hold hands and kiss against public places. When we walk put your hand around my waist, I’ll grab your arm and bring you back to my place where ill push you to the bed, blush and giggle. Afterward we can lie around naked and smoke cigarettes until its time to leave. Just keep me company, make me happy… We don’t have to be serious I just need some love tonight.